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PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 



This edition is limited to two hundred signed, num 
;red ai 
Number 



bered and registered copies o£ which this copy is 



PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 



A CANDID AND CHRONOLOGICAL ACCOUNT 
OF THE EVENTS OF THE TROJAN WAR 
IN THE LIGHT OF MODERN DISCOVERY 



FRITZ a LANHAM 



With Illustrations 
BY J. F. KNOTT 



SPI 



PUBLISHED BY 

THE EX-STUDENTS' ASSOCIATION 

OF 

THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS 

AUSTIN, TEXAS 
igi6 






Copyright, 191 6, by 
FRITZ GARLAND LANHAM 



VA(L-BALLOU COMPANY 
emaHAMTOH and hiw tork 



DEC 19(916 



> CI. A 44 6 85 7 



/ 



> y f 



vf 



THIS BOOK IS AFFECTIONATELY 

DEDICATED 

TO 

DOCTORS WILLIAM J. BATTLE and EDWIN W. FAY, 

PEOFBSSOES OF GREEK: AND LATIN, RESPECTIVELY, 
IN THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS 



PREFACE 

If ever the King of France rode up or down a hill 
in view of loyal and admiring subjects, the discrimi- 
nating onlooker gazed less intently upon the graceful 
curves of His Majesty's coach than upon the royal 
form of the King himself. The mere statement of 
this axiomatic truth should silence at the outset any 
captious critic who may be disposed to search for 
flaws in the limping lines of my epic. It is not as 
a poet I crave favor. There is little likelihood the 
lines themselves will ever get far on the road to fame, 
though they proceed in the main with the requisite 
number of feet. The verses are merely the vehicle 
selected to bring to notice the profundity of my re- 
search and scholarship. You may regard them 
lightly, good reader, but bear in mind the more im- 
portant matter that within them reposes my kingly 
mentality. With this explanation, I indulge the hope 
that you may retain your proverbial gentleness even 
when scanning the concluding episode of the wild 
horse. 

If you will take the trouble in your study of this 
history to investigate as collateral reading the works 
of Messrs. Homer and Virgil, you will observe at 
once that I have included in my account many details 
omitted by my predecessors. My spirit of literary 

7 



8 PREFACE 

generosity impels me to state that they, too, perhaps, 
knew of them, and that they purposely left them out 
of their writings in the fear that such startling reve- 
lations would be received in their day with popular 
unbelief. I feel confident they went quite as far in 
their disclosures as the civilization of their period 
warranted, but I have equal assurance they cherished 
the fond hope that in the fulness of time some well- 
informed author would manifest sufficient boldness to 
bring to light their pardonable sins of omission. In 
consideration of the years of research I have devoted 
to this undertaking, I think it no shocking presump- 
tion to give to the world each important hiatus in 
their portrayals. 

The Author. 



AUTHOR'S NOTE 

In amplification of the simple words of dedication, 
I desire to make grateful acknowledgment to Dr. 
William J. Battle and Dr. Edwin W. Fay for valuable 
aid rendered in the preparation of this work. Even a 
cursory reading of any part of it will convince the 
most skeptical that assistance was forthcoming from 
some source. I am anxious, therefore, that Dr. 
Battle and Dr. Fay be given their meed of recogni- 
tion. 

It is true the doctors have not always agreed in 
the interpretation of some of the passages, but it 
must be remembered that one of them regards the 
matter from the Grecian point of view and the other 
from the Roman. However, in a desire to see jus- 
tice done and the facts set forth, they have main- 
tained throughout the struggle a becoming neutrality 
in spite of their predilections. Their chief concern 
has been for an accurate portrayal in English of all 
the beauty of the original texts. They have been 
equally fulsome in their praise of my presentation in 
general, but at times have entertained differences of 
opinion as to the use of certain words and expres- 
sions. For instance, in the installment which depicts 
" The Slowness of the Fleet," you will note that Ajax 
opens the canto with the idiom " Gee whiz ! '* One 



10 AUTHOR'S NOTE 

of the learned doctors insisted at this point that the 
more accurate translation was " Golly ! " Further- 
more, it must be conceded there was merit in his 
contention and, likely, I should have employed the 
term but for the fact that it did not fit in metrically 
with the versification of that chapter. 

One of the most cogent criticisms offered by the 
distinguished gentlemen was that in places I had fol- 
lowed the original texts even too closely. For ex- 
ample, in the installment entitled " A New Depar- 
ture," the manuscript as first prepared by me included 
this passage : 

The scion of Thetis inspected his face, 
Inscribing his name in a suitable place, 
And gave a prescription that fitted his case. 

Dr. Fay was eager for a freer translation and, yield- 
ing to his judgment, I have made these lines to appear 
in the final version thus: 

The brave son of Thetis examined his frame, 
And then took his picture and, also, his name. 
And gave him some dope and a bill for the same. 

The reader will readily detect the touch of dignity 
that is added to the passage by comparison of it as 
originally written and as improved under the friendly 
criticism and kindly suggestions of Dr. Fay. 

One part of the same canto was made vastly better, 
also, by the careful editing of Dr. Battle. My version 
showed this line : 

Then Calchas, a venerable sage and soothsayer. 
Dr. Battle insisted upon an alliterative and less ver- 



AUTHOR'S NOTE ii 

bose expression and, through his cautious guidance, 
the line was changed to read in this manner : 

Then Calchas, a crabbed old cuss with the colic. 

I confess that the picture of Calchas thus presented 
is much more vivid. 

The doctors have been hampered somewhat in their 
participation in the undertaking by frequent inter- 
ruptions from subordinate teachers in the schools of 
Latin and Greek who have offered suggestions con- 
stantly in the vain hope that the adoption of some 
of them might enable these inferiors to share in the 
fame of the composition. Had the doctors been able 
to give their undivided attention to the matter, the 
final phraseology might have been even better, if pos- 
sible. At all times, however, I have had access to 
the findings of Dr. Battle's geographical research of 
the region covered and to the enlightenment of the 
whole of Dr. Fay's excavations. I have found their 
data quite correct. 

These eminent co-workers have commended me 
for amplifying the original texts at critical points 
and presenting the history with the emendations of 
modern discovery. Many of the details of the fray 
have thus been made public for the first time, and 
the revelations of new sources, not readily accessible 
to the average reader, have been brought to light. 
Likely a graduate degree would have been awarded 
me for this masterpiece but for the fact that Dr. Bat- 
tle and Dr. Fay each contended I had majored in 
his particular school and each desired the honor of 



12 AUTHOR'S NOTE 

conferring it. In a spirit of laudable self-sacrifice, I 
magnanimously decided to forego the distinction in 
order that no unpleasantness might arise between two 
of my friends who have given me so many helpful 
hints. A feeling of gratitude has prompted me to 
dedicate the book to them. I consider the work a 
tribute to their genius and, after pondering the mat- 
ter a long, long time, am willing for the world at large 
to know that they are the Bacon back of the lines. 



CONTENTS 

Page 
I Introductory Apology 19 

II One Paris Caught by Three of a Kind . 25 

III The Opening of the Sack 31 

IV The Slowness of the Fleet .... 41 
V The Ills of Ilium 47 

VI A New Departure 55 

VII The Shore Lines 65 

VIII A Discord in Asia Minor 73 

IX A Combative Turn . . . . ". .83 

X A Return Engagement 99 

XI Discarding a Queen 113 

XII The Call of the Chief Operator . . .119 

XIII A Kingdom for a Horse 125 

Fritz Garland Lanham 137 



ILLUSTRATIONS 

Page ^/ 
Stole his wife and ran away 33 

He opened the Iliad here 75 

Things have advanced on account of the war . 102 , 

The Amazon damsels 115 



I 

INTRODUCTORY APOLOGY 



>. 



I 

INTRODUCTORY APOLOGY 

WHEN I was a slight little strip of a boy, 
Not over-abundant in avoirdupois, 
I learned the remarkable story of Troy, — 
A tale of much weight and of vim beyond measure, 
But not the Troy weight of the jeweler's treasure, 
For this is a story of war and it calls 
For no sort of scales but the scaling of walls. 
The story is told of a far distant time. 
With the scene of the fighting a far distant clime. 
When Grecians and Trojans were both in their prime 
And, vying in battles and dire bloody work, 
Surpassed in their carnage the terrible Turk. 
The tale is of days when the knights died for glory 
And fairly exulted in wars that were gory 
And not wordy wars, like the Whig and the Tory. 
The men were all mighty and mighty their deeds. 
And daring the heroes and dashing their steeds 
In this ancient war, — till a steed made of wood 
Accomplished a feat which the Greeks never could 
And broke through the walls of the Trojan defense. 
Read Homer and Virgil, — it's really immense ! 

19 



20 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

But Virgil's -SEneid and Homer's rare tomes 

Are found in but few of our latter day homes, 

For Homer and Virgil long since passed away; 

And, though it is true they were good in their day 

And gave an authentic account of the fray, 

This Virgil wrote Latin, and Homer could speak 

In only one tongue, which to us is all Greek 

And dead as the Hector whose story we seek. 

And Homer, besides, was as blind as a bat 

And, of course, it is likely, remembering that. 

That over his views you would hardly enthuse. 

So these are the reasons I tackle the Muse 

And summon the goddess of song to draw near 

And lend me the rhymes that will tickle your ear. 

So sing, gentle goddess, your mellowest tones! 

Attend on my task while I rattle the bones 

Of bold Agamemnon, and also the chap. 

The brave son of Thetis — (who started the scrap 

By having a wedding, a popular way 

Of starting a scrap in that dim, distant day). 

The valiant Achilles, who boarded the ship 

For Ilium bound, quite prepared for the trip 

By a plunge in the Styx as a quarantine dip 

To shield him from harm from the Trojans he'd meet 

And to ward from his weapons all chance of defeat, 

Provided his heels never turned in retreat. 

They were capital fellows and, needless to say, 

Their names both began with a capital A; 

And brave were their comrades and brave were their 

foes. 
As fearless a phalanx as history knows. 



INTRODUCTORY APOLOGY 21 

So sing, gentle goddess, with all of your might ! 
Sing, sing of this rollicking, roistering fight ! 
Sing, sing of their glory from morning till night ! 
And warble, ye Furies, your furious strain 
While I tell the old story all over again! 



II 

ONE PARIS CAUGHT BY THREE OF A 
KIND 




II 



ONE PARIS CAUGHT BY THREE OF A KIND 



BACK in the days when gods were young 
And goddesses were younger. 
Their heavenly hearts were not immune 
From amatory hunger. 

And Cupid, when he chanced to peep 

Through their celestial portals. 
Would often find them making love 

Like*' ordinary mortals. 

Once Thetis with Peleus he saw 

And straightway took an arrow, 
Which from his bow struck Thetis' beau 

And pierced him to the marrow. 

Then, as they sauntered arm in arm 

Beside a heavenly river, 
Her quivering heart was also pierced 

From Daniel Cupid's quiver. 

25 



26 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

She looked upon their bleeding wounds; 

And, since the vision shocked her, 
Peleus called in their many friends 

And then called in the doctor. 



But Doctor ^sculapius, 
Though greatly in a pother, 

Declared the only thing to take 
Was each to take the other. 

And so, they married then and there 
With all the gods assembled; 

Peleus had won her trembling heart 
While both his knees had trembled. 

And on that happy wedding day 
The gods were all delighted 

Excepting Eris, who had been 
For some cause uninvited. 

But, though for such a social slight 
She felt by no means pleasant, 

She condescended quite enough 
To send a pretty present. 

Into their midst she deftly threw 

A lovely golden apple, 
And for it all the dames, like Eve, 

Began to fuss and grapple. 



PARIS CAUGHT BY THREE OF A KIND 27 

For on this pretty golden fruit 

Engraved in script the rarest 
Three simple words were found to be, 

And they were " For the fairest." 



" Of course, this prize is meant for me ! " 
Exclaimed the haughty Juno. 

But thereupon Minerva said, 

" That shows the little you know ; 

" For I'm the fairest of the fair ! 

Let some one choose between us ! " 
" Although you both are fairly fair, 

I'm fairer still," said Venus. 

And then the three began to fume 
And fuss and fret and foment, 

'Twas clear the rivalry could not 
Be settled in a moment. 

Then " Go to Paris," Zeus remarked, 

(Not meaning France's city) 
" For he is quite a connoisseur 

At telling who is pretty." 

Therefore, to quiet their complaints. 
They sought the shepherd Paris 

And bade him on Mount Ida's height 
Decide who was the fairest. 



28 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

Said Juno, " I will give you power 
To choose for me, and riches." 

Minerva promised fame in war 
And some new fighting breeches. 

Then Venus said, "We three have come 
That you for charms may weigh us; 

If I'm your choice, expect from me 
The wife of Menelaus; 

" And Helen is as fair a lass 

As ever put a gem on." 
To Venus he the apple gave 

And gave the rest a lemon. 



Ill 

THE OPENING OF THE SACK 




Ill 

THE OPENING OF THE SACK 

IN early days when dates were not, — 
At least, the dates have been forgot, — 
King Menelaus had a guest, a handsome 
Trojan shepherd, 
Who kept him guessing, for they say 
He stole his wife and ran away 
From spot to spot from day to day, 
And Spartan spotters in dismay 
Gave up all hope to bring to bay 

This young romantic leopard 
Who changed his spots and spoiled the plan 
To overtake the maid and man. 

For Menelaus, like a goose. 
Went hunting with Idomeneus, 

The King of Crete, — a wild goose chase, — 
and left the game behind him 
Which handsome Paris hunted most. 

31 



32 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

And, when the king had cleared the coast, 
He started hunting with the boast 
That he would teach his roving host 
To leave a sportsman at his post 

And wander off to find him 
Some smaller game. " And so," said he, 
" I'll teach the king to hunt for me." 

When Menelaus journeyed back 

Where first his judgment jumped the track 

And viewed the wreck his dulness wrought by 
being too confiding, 
He cursed the bold Idomeneus 
And let his heathen tongue run loose 
With every manner of abuse 
And Greek profanity profuse 
A Grecian king could fitly use 

In such a fit of chiding. 
" I've had one chase," he then declared, 
" But for another I'm prepared ! " 

He hunted Agamemnon out, 

A brother who was big and stout. 

And filled his ears with tales and tears of 
Helen's wicked cunning; 
How he by her had been betrayed, 
A self-declared grass-widow maid 
Who, with his goods, was lost or strayed 
Or stolen by that Trojan blade 
Who at his hostelry had stayed 

While wild boars he was running. 




STOLE HIS WIFE AND RAN AWAY 



33 



34 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

" But this wild boar," said he, " by gum, 
I'll run from now till kingdom come ! " 

But Aggie said : " Cheer up, old sport. 
She really is not quite the sort 

Of damsel who is worthy of such grieving and 
lamenting. 
But, if on war your mind is bent 
And you can't straighten your intent, 
I'll lend you funds at ten per cent 
To help you get an armament ; 
But, lest this sum be rashly spent 

In vengeance unrelenting. 
Let's go tell Nestor of your plight, — 
Your purse and nest both empty quite." 

Old Nestor said : " Get all the Greeks 
And mend your boats and stop the leaks. 

And then put on a special sail while all the 
trade winds favor. 
And drive your wares to Priam's shore. 
Though it may take ten years or more, — 
What matter if it take a score? 
Three days of grace or, maybe, four? — 
Be ready for the sea before 

You pose as her life-saver 
Who left your home for sunny Troy 
To be with Mr. Priam's boy." 

And then the brothers in a trice 
Both took their leave, and his advice. 



THE OPENING OF THE SACK 35 

And bounded off to shout throughout the 
boundaries of Sparta 
With much ado and lusty lung 
The song the hoary sage had sung; 
And beckoned Greeks, both old and young, 
Whom Helen formerly had stung, — 
The beaux she long ago had strung, — 

To string their bows to part her 
From that young rake who, with a smile, 
Had turned her head to Paris' style. 

For they had sworn in days of yore 
They'd lose their heads for good before 

They'd let a wrong go unavenged for Helen's 
chosen suitor. 
They'd lost their heads in times gone by 
On her account ; and, with a sigh, 
They now went forth, prepared to die 
And watch their bleeding hearts run dry, 
This mischief-maker to defy 

That off to Troy did scoot her. 
For they would brave all Trojan thumps 
To teach that dame their hearts were trumps. 

But bold Ulysses then renigged. 
Achilles, too, was somewhat twigged 

To have a binding pledge like that before his 
vision flaunted. 
Ulysses had a brand new wife 
He loved so much a brand new knife 
Could not have cut his love ; and life 



36 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

Away from her in war and strife 
Where killing Grecian chiefs was rife 

Was not the life he wanted. 
He much preferred domestic war 
To that which he was summoned for. 

He deftly yoked an ox and ass, 
And to the heavy Johnson grass 

He led his team, and thus did seem to have a 
stroke of madness. 
In furrowed field with furrowed brow 
He wildly started in to plow, 
And drove his donkey and his cow. 
But Palamedes mused : " Somehow 
That he is mad, I can't allow; " 

And proved his motive badness. 
For when Ulysses' babe he dropped 
Before the plow, Ulysses stopped. 

When thus exposed, he said, " I'll clap 
Achilles in some subtle trap, 

For he is posing at the court as Lycomedes* 
daughter 
To dodge this scrap." And off he popped 
Robed as a merchant, and he stopped 
Quite near Achilles, and he propped 
His peddler's pack, and maidens hopped 
To view his gems ; but when he dropped 

A weapon made for slaughter, 
Achilles cried, " By me that's bought ! " 
But he replied, " My boy, you're caught ! " 



THE OPENING OF THE SACK 37 

This cause without a murmur won, 
Achilles called each Myrmidon 

Who followed him and bade him get his fight- 
ing tackle ready. 
Pat Roclus, too, he did persuade 
To buckle on his trusty blade. 
Then down to Aulis they essayed. 
In all their scrapping togs arrayed. 
And there prepared to bring the maid 

So handsome and so heady 
By martial arms and war's alarms 
Again to Menelaus' arms. 

At Aulis rode a thousand ships, 
Cheered by two hundred thousand lips 

Of warriors bold who braved the cold and 
longed the day of sailing ; 
Who there expressed as their belief 
That Agamemnon should be chief 
In capturing the Trojan thief 
And all the herds of Trojan beef 
He had corralled for his relief. 

And, with no thought of failing. 
They sacrificed a score of sheep 
And then steered forth into the deep. 



IV 
THE SLOWNESS OF THE FLEET 



G 



IV 

THE SLOWNESS OF THE FLEET 

< ' ^-^ EE whiz ! " shouted Ajax, who stood near 
the wheel 
Of the big pilot vessel well drenched by the 
rain 
And peered through the darkness. " By ganny, I feel 

We're a little bit off in our bearings again. 
To one who has traveled the sea it is plain, 

I maintain, 
The furrow is crooked we've plowed on the main. 

" I know that those lights that appear there ahead 

Are not the street torches of beautiful Troy. 
It's bound to be some other city instead. 
For I was at Ilium when I was a boy." 
He gazed and reached down, while he shivered and 
shook. 

Roused the cook, 
Who was sleeping close by, and desired him to look. 

The cook blinked his eyes and then leered at the 
lights 

And lazily proffered the cheerless remark, 
" I am always confused when I see things of nights ; 

I am not a night owl and not used to the dark." 

41 



42 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

" Then call Agamenmon ! " Ajax blurted out, 

" For I doubt 
If we all know exactly just what we're about." 

Agamemnon was angry but drowsily slunk 
To the deck to inquire o£ the captain pro tern 

The meaning of calling a man from his bunk 
At the good sleeping hour of 3 130 a. m. 

But then, when the glare of the lights caught his eyes, 
In surprise 

He cried out, " At last, we're beneath Trojan skies! " 

They reasoned about it, but Aggie was firm 

And said: "Those are beacons of Troy without 
fail. 
So let every soldier start serving his term 

Of chasing these Trojans o'er mountain and vale." 
And when the command through the galleys had 
gone. 

They drew on 
Their heaviest armor and landed at dawn. 

But scarce had they started to ravage the land 
And learn the extent of its foraging store, 

When Telephus rose with a m5nriad band 

And drove them all back to the ocean once more. 

In great consternation they buttoned their coats 
And, like goats, 

Went running and swimming to get to their boats. 

They staggered aboard from a perilous death; 
They fell on the decks in the uttermost woe ; 



THE SLOWNESS OF THE FLEET 43 

They grabbed for the railings, they gasped for their 
breath 
While Ajax was muttering, " I told you so ! 
For this is the land where the Mysians dwell. 

And as well 
Might a warrior fare in the ovens of Hell ! " 

But to stifle a quarrel, a shudder and groan 
Came issuing forth from the piloting ship. 

Where Pat Roclus lay with a bad collar bone 
And a merciless gash in the side of his hip. 

And they all stood aghast at the terrible truth 
While the youth 

Implored the soothsayer say something forsooth. 

Now it happened Achilles had studied of yore 
From one Mr. Chiron, a sage of renown. 

The marvelous wisdom of medical lore. 

And pat as an Irishman had the thing down. 

So he said to the druggist, " Go bring on the hop 
From your shop 

Some Red Cross relief if it's just a cough drop." 

And soon he disclosed such miraculous art 

With powder and poultice, with potion and pill. 

That young Mr. Roclus bounced up with a start 
And danced the mazurka and polka at will. 

And he romped with such ease in each hop he essayed 
That a maid 

Would have envied the gusto and grace he displayed. 



44 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

But bold Agamemnon was sullen and sore 

In spite of the cheers that emerged from their 
throats ; 
And he changed the procedure with violent roar 
From " On with the dance ! '* into " Off with the 
boats!" 
" Let us turn," he exclaimed, " and return on the 
main. 

For it's plain 
We had better go back and start over again." 

So they set sail at once and were soon under way, 

Obeying the bull of their governing sire, 
With a tinge of defeat and a tear for delay. 
For Helen had kindled their Hellenic ire. 
And home from a cruise which their cares did in- 
crease, 

For release 
They hopped from the frying pan back into Greece. 



V 

THE ILLS OF ILIUM 



V 

THE ILLS OF ILIUM 

YOUNG PARIS, because of a dream of his 
mother, 
Had always been hidden in some way or 
other, — 
For reasons it's hardly worth while now to mention, 
Except it was feared as a bone of contention 
This very acceptable, innocent boy 
Might turn out to be the undoing of Troy. 
An old sage had said it and, strange though it be. 
The people all drank in that day of sage tea. 
So they placed him with sheep to look after the 

flocks, — 
Where he grew up with beauty and long flowing 

locks. 
(For one who from sheep often sheared his bags full 
Would naturally have an abundance of wool.) 
Now he dwelt in obscurity, so the books say. 
In a perfectly peaceful and pastoral way. 
And he married a sweet little n3nnph of a wife, 
CEnone by name, and the joy of his life; 
Contented to live and to hoard up his goods 
With his dear little mate like the babes in the woods. 

47 



48 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

But learning one day some funereal games 
Were pending in Troy for the men and the dames, 
He wandered away from his sylvan retreat 
And entered the town for a chance to compete. 
He took every prize from his princely young brothers 
And mildly suggested to them there were others 
With some little knowledge of this game and that, — 
From throwing the discus to town-ball and cat. 
And, knowing him not as a kinsman of theirs, 
They were ready to scrap like a couple of bears. 
When their sister Cassandra stepped in to remark, 
(For up to this time they were all in the dark) 
" Why, this is a child of our good papa Priam, 
Entitled to just as much honor as I am. 
This lad I can tell by the shade of his hair is 
Our long lost companion and good brother Paris." 
So they kissed and made up and averted the fray 
And sent for QEnone to come right away; 
And they all lived as happy as birds in a cage. 
Forgetting the ominous words of the sage. 

You detect now, of course, if you've read of the tomes 
One Conan Doyle v^rrote of his friend Sherlock 

Holmes, 
That much of this happened some years in advance 
Of the time when Minerva had proffered the pants 
And Paris had chosen a different prize 
At a figure exactly the fair Helen's size. 
And it's proper to add — (and I'm fond of addition) — 
When Paris set out on a bold Grecian mission 
His sister Cassandra was there to advise 



THE ILLS OF ILIUM 49 

That he be not deceived by the Grecian maids' eyes. 
" And if one of them smile," she entreated, " don't 

cop her; 
The very best thing you can do is to drop her. 
Those far away maids with the far away look 
Are not of our class and don't know how to cook. 
Remember you now have a wife to support 
And superfluous courting may lead you to court." 
(The tongue of Cassandra was famed far and near 
For sa5n[ng things people regretted to hear.) 
But, alas, we have seen how a lass won his heart, — 
A very intense, indispensable part 
Of himself ; and when time came to leave, — well, in 

fact. 
He just had to bring her to come home intact. 



When Paris returned with foreboding and fear, 
With a misgiving heart and a live souvenir, 
He knew that the lies he had told theretofore 
Were calling in mass for a lively encore. 
And long he debated just how to express 
Some plausible ground for his baggage excess; 
Some likely excuse that would probably go 
For coming back home with a woman in tow. 
But Paris was artful and Paris was apt 
And not a young fox to be easily trapped ; 
So when he confronted his kith and his kin 
He made up his story and waded right in. 
He told of his trip with the vigor and vim 
The family needed if it would trip him, 



50 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

And stated just how he had met with the maid 
On some barren island, alone and afraid, 
Where no vegetation was e'er known to be 
Until he discovered his family tree 
Included her, too, for her kindred and kind 
Had sprung from a similar ancestral line. 
Then young Deiphobus and Hector did sip 
A welcoming kiss from the fair Helen's lip; 
And father and mother each gave her embrace 
While Paris looked on with a radiant face. 
And even Cassandra, though loath to believe, 
Some fond osculation did give and receive. 
But young Mrs. Paris did not much incline 
To those doubt-dealing words, " She's a cousin of 
mine." 

King Priam just then was a very old head 
Who always thought twice, — often three times in- 
stead ; 
For his noodle was gray and was known far and wide 
For a whole lot of gray that it harbored inside. 
(It was one you would readily choose in a group 
As a noodle that seldom would get in the soup.) 
And the more he reflected the less he could see 
That Helen was what she purported to be, 
And the more he suspected his son was no saint. 
But a lad with heart trouble or kindred complaint. 
For everywhere Helen would chance to appear 
It was fifty to one that young Paris was near, 
And he seemed to regard it a thing to be proved 
That she as a cousin was not far removed. 



THE ILLS OF ILIUM 51 

Now Priam observed her both morning and night 

(In a manner, of course, that was proper and right) 

And he came to conclude that this maiden so meek 

By talent and training was totally Greek. 

So the notion of Priam was nipped in the bud 

That she was a daughter of one of his blood, 

For he thought from the things that he heard and he 

saw 
She was very much more like a daughter-in-law. 

The king's meditation afforded no ease 
But stung at his pride like a thousand of bees ; 
And his solemn reflection the hope did destroy 
That Helen would prove no reflection on Troy. 
He sadly recalled with an infinite dread 
What the seer had seen and the sayer had said, 
And he sorely regretted, alas and alack. 
That Paris was one who had really " come back." 
He called for his counsellors, distant and near, 
He called for his court and he called for his beer 
And everything else that would likely assist 
And would probably be on a king's calling list. 
He called upon Glaucus and Sarpedon, too, 
^neas and every one else that he knew. 
On Hector and young Deiphobus, his sons. 
His petted and pampered and favorite ones, — 
For all of his boys he had wisely brought up 
For combat or caucus since Hec was a pup. 

To them he unfolded the terrible tale 

And the vision of war that he saw through the veil 



52 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

Which Paris had wrapped round the course of events 
To lead them astray with his sham and pretense. 
He bade them assemble their militant stores 
And lay a few mines on the outlying shores; 
He bade them prepare with their guns and their 

sabers 
And get upon peaceable terms with their neighbors; 
He bade them do this and he bade them do that ; 
He bade them have everything perfectly pat ; 
And when he was sure they would do the thing right 
He left off his bidding and bade them good-night. 



VI 
A NEW DEPARTURE 




VI 

A NEW DEPARTURE 



WHEN first on the ocean the Grecians put 
out 
And foolishly fell on the Mysian route, 
They were put out the more and were wholly at sea, 
For the Mysians met them with rapture and glee 
And altered their route by omitting the e. 
I have told this before. 
But I tell it once more 
To preface this part, as you'll presently see. 

Now it happened, — a fact I record at this juncture, — 
That Telephus then got a terrible puncture. 
(Though tireless was he in the thick of the fight.) 
He really was in a most pitiful plight, 
Losing heart in the day, losing sleep in the night. 

In fact, I may say 

In an accurate way 
From a study of records and books of that day, 

55 



56 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

He suffered much pain from his feet to his jaws 
In his whole constitution and kingly by-laws. 
(The chieftain whose spear had inflicted the blow 
That put him in peril and pestered him so 
Was valiant Achilles, as most of you know.) 
So he went to the oracle, — that was the fad, — 
And recounted the aches and the anguish he had 
And disclosed how a chief of the visiting clan 
Had made out of him a most painstaking man. 



The oracle bathed in the Castalian Spring 
And sat on her tripod and started to sing. 
Which was quite the approved and the popular 
thing. 

She quaffed from her cup 

A most liberal sup 
And with sulphurous vapors essayed to smoke up 
Until she was properly steamed and incensed 
To tell of the course of the coming events. 
And thus fumigated, befitting her station, 
She gave out her final and firm affirmation 
With very sane words and correct sanitation, 
And said of the wound, if he could not endure it, 
The gent who had caused it could readily cure it. 

And so, for a trip 

He packed up his grip 
And hurried aboard his imperial ship 
And came to Achilles and opened his case 
With a hope in his heart and a tear on his face 
And a bandage or two on the troublesome place. 



A NEW DEPARTURE 57 

The brave son of Thetis examined his frame 
And then took his picture and, also, his name. 
And gave him some dope and a bill for the same. 

In less than a week 

He was chubby and sleek 
And waxing as fat as a corpulent freak. 
And when he was thus undeniably healed. 
The valiant Achilles implored and appealed 
That as an expression of thanks and of joy 
He'd act as their pilot in sailing to Troy 
To take away Helen from King Priam's boy. 
" For he," said Achilles, " has stolen the queen 
On whom Menelaus asserts a prior lien ; 
And we have all sworn to recover the loss 
And transport her home, where alone with her boss 
As a bird in the hand she can gather no moss." 
And when bold Ulysses requested it, too, 
He finally yielded to pilot them through. 
Which, likely as not, was the wise thing to do. 



Now big Agamemnon went out for a lark 

On the day that the ships were supposed to embark 

And didn't come back until way after dark. 

It was really a pity, 

And very unpretty 
Q|f one who was truly the pride of the city. 
(I wish I could alter this part of my ditty.) 

And, which was still worse. 

He brought down a curse 
On all of his mates by his manners perverse. 



58 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

For while in the throes of the ill-advised jag 
That caused their departure to falter and flag, 
He gave a stag party and slaughtered a stag 
That some heathen goddess had raised as a pet 
And wasn't quite ready to sacrifice yet. 

The goddess thereby 

Wore a lachrymose eye 
And pined for the hind with a pitiful cry, 
Now heaving a brick, now heaving a sigh 
At bold Agamemnon who caused it to die. 

Though thoroughly ruiBed, she called for a calm 

On all of the sea as a sort of a balm 

For her sorrowing soul, for while it was still 

The Greeks were dependent on her solemn will 

With never a zephyr their canvas to fill. 

" And now," murmured she, " if the council and court 

Are bent upon drinking, I'll keep them in port." 

No sign of a breeze on the sea or the land. 

No kind of a wave but a wave of the hand 

Appeared to encourage the bellicose band ; 

And there they remained in the surf and the sand, — 

A very sad state, as you all understand. 

In these dire conditions, 

Their big politicians 
Were called to discourse on their lofty ambitions. 
For no other course that they happened to know 
Could offer such wind or such vigorous blow. 
But even this plan was predestined to fail 
And leave in repose every indolent sail. 



A NEW DEPARTURE 59 

Then Calchas, a crabbed old cuss with the colic, 
Stepped in to opine that the case was symbolic 
And meant that the goddess would furnish no breeze 
Until they got down on their penitent knees 
And sought her displeasure to quell and appease 
By making amends for the ill-fated slaughter 
And offering up Agamemnon's young daughter. 

But Aggie demurred 

And warmly averred 
That such a design should be dropped or deferred ; 
Of such a proceeding he never had heard 
And didn't believe one had ever occurred. 
But when they had voted, he found in a jiffy 
He'd have to surrender his dear little Iffy, — 
For that was the name that he called her for short, 
But he called them some names of a different sort. 
He yielded, at length, — not a bountiful yield, — 
And Iffy was called from her work in the field 
And bound hand and foot with a sob and a sigh 
And put on the altar like one bound to die. 



But, maybe, you've read in the works of one Schiller 

In spite of this flurry they never did kill her. 

For just when the knife was approaching her face, 

(I don't mean she ate with a knife) in her place 

The goddess provided a beautiful deer 

And kept her away from a taste of the bier, — 

A worthy performance to chronicle here. 

The goddess enveloped the maid in a cloud 

And bore her aloft from the wondering crowd 



6o PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

To serve in her temple, and then she let out 
The winds that the Greeks were so anxious about. 



With Telephus stationed in state at the helm 
They slid o'er the sea like a slippery elm, 
While King Menelaus with ardent emotion 
Was singing " My bonnie lies over the ocean." 

And over the main 

Again and again 
Their voices rolled out as they joined the refrain. 
For each of them felt it was perfectly clear 
His beautiful bonnie would lie anywhere. 

At length, to the gaze of the carolling crew 

The island of Tenedos popped into view, — 

A very attractive and pleasant retreat 

Where they stopped on their way twenty minutes to 

eat. 
They scampered ashore with a good appetite 
Intent to indulge in a nourishing bite, , 

But one Philoctetes a bite did procure 
Like Bosco and Esau are paid to endure. 
A snake gave it to him, — which leads me to think 
He left off his eating for something to drink, 
For often a man with a thirsting to slake 
In quenching his craving encounters a snake. 

This man was an archer, the best of the crew, 
A broad-minded man but an arrow-man, too, 



A NEW DEPARTURE 6i 

Who, like the most popular girl that you know, 
On every occasion was blessed with a bow. 
I shouldn't record it unless it were so. 

He started to prance 

In a serpentine dance, — 
While all his associates eyed him askance, — 
And grabbed at his foot, his calamitous member. 
And grew quite as cold as the last o£ December. 
The doctor, the proper demands to enforce. 
Took note of his trouble, — a footnote, of course, — 
Reminding Achilles how proud he should feel 
It wasn't his foot or his vulnerable heel. 

They patiently carried the patient aboard 
And gave him whatever the ships could afford 
To lighten his gloom and diminish his fear 
And put in repair his impaired running gear. 

They opened a jug 

Of the juice of the bug 
And placed to his face a most bountiful mug 
To warm his emotions and make him feel snug. 

He did very well, 

I am happy to tell, 
Until a most vile, disagreeable smell 
Came issuing forth from his snake-bitten toes 
That wasn't at all like the attar of rose, — 
In fact, 'twas offensive to every one's nose. 
(The subject is one that I care not to treat, — 
I don't wish to hamper my verse with bad feet, — 
And etiquette makes it a topic of doubt. 
But it's all in the tale, so I can't leave it out. 



62 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

It's a matter I trust you'll be lenient about.) 

They journeyed to Lesbos and there made him land 

And left him alone on the beach and the sand 

In very bad odor with all of the band. 



VII 

THE SHORE LINES 

(A Littoral Version) 



VII 

THE SHORE LINES 
(A Littoral Version) 

I NEVER shall forget the day 
The Greeks arrived at Troy, 
And what the classics have to say 
About their pride and joy ; 
The ardor and alacrity 

Of all that happy band 
To cease the seeing of the sea 
And land upon the land. 

How Agamemnon would not brook 

Postponement of the sack, 
But bade them listen, stop and look 

And get upon the track 
Of every Trojan in those parts 

Of mountains, hills and plains. 
And with their arrows and their darts 

Inflict their shooting pains. 

How Hector met them at the coasts 

When first they did appear 
And said : " We do not come as hosts, 

Though hosts of us are here. 

65 



66 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

We really have no appetite 

For such excursion trips, 
But do not fear your barque or bite 

Or catalogue of ships. 

" Although you will not find," said he, 

" A welcome on our mat. 
We humbly trust your company 

Will not stand back at that. 
For when our javelins and spears 

Have chased you to your boats. 
They will for welcome, like your jeers, 

Be sticking in your throats." 

" We'll put you on a show or two ! " 

Came back the Grecian goad. 
" Then we will wait," said Hec, " to view 

The animals unload." 
And so, *twas clear, while quibbling thus, 

That something would be doing. 
And even silent Telephus 

Could tell a fuss was brewing. 

Now some old witch had said of yore 

So all the Greeks could get it, 
The first to put his foot ashore 

Would not live to regret it. ~ 
And when Protesilaus brave 

Stepped on the land to try it, 
He fell into a hero's grave 

And left a widow by it. 



THE SHORE LINES 67 

(This tragic incident, alas, 

It grieves me to insert ; 
'Twas, like the stylish demi tasse, 

Beyond the man's dessert.) — 
But Mercury his soul did pack 

To realms of high renown, 
For Mercury had quite a knack 

Of going up and down. 

The Greeks beheld with tearful eyes 

Their patriot distressed, 
And praised his valor to the skies 

Where he had gone to rest. 
And that the world at large might know 

The merit of his capers. 
They cabled back a page or so 

To all the Grecian papers. 

Inspirited by his demise, 

They all were pining for 
A chance to star and advertise 

The theater of war. 
And when upon the stage they drew 

In bellicose array. 
The Trojans, mindful of their cue, 

Took steps to get away. 

The Grecians they could not withstand 

With all their kin and kith ; 
And since the Greeks were not a band 

That they had standing with. 



68 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

They let discretion be their guide 

And beat a sure retreat, 
While all the Grecians viewed with pride 

The quickness of their feat. 

Within their walls they then retired 

Like prisoners in the pen, — 
Except no one of them desired 

To be without again. 
For there they felt each troubled heart 

Could know a sweet repose 
While fate, alert to take their part, 

Made faces at their foes. 

The Greeks, Achilles in the lead, 

Essayed to storm the town; 
The men of Troy with skill and speed 

Serenely mowed them down. 
The ardor of the sacking crew 

Had this defeat to dim it ; 
And every mother's scrapper knew 

The fight would go the limit. 

Then Aggie bade them bring their boats 

More near the battlements, 
Erect their huts and dig their moats 

And keep their zeal in tents. 
" Because I recognize at once," 

Said he, " it now appears 
This war will last for months and months 

And years and years and years." 



THE SHORE LINES 69 

Between the foes a mighty plain 

Was plainly to be seen, — 
Of brownish hue in winter's reign 

And in the summer green. 
And thereupon the soldiers bold 

Did constantly compete 
Throughout the frosty winters' cold 

And balmy summers' heat. 

Thus playing hot and cold, their strife 

Continued to abide, 
With naught to change the course of life, 

Except for them that died. 
For often on the battleground 

They fought and ran away. 
And then, to prove the adage sound, 

They fought another day. 

(It now behooves me to digress 

And let you know about 
A gossipy unpleasantness 

That made some Greeks fall out. 
But, while you feast upon it, still 

You'll bear in mind, perhaps. 
The rank and file with dogged will 

Are busy with the scraps.) 



VIII 
A DISCORD IN ASIA MINOR 



VIII 
A DISCORD IN ASIA MINOR 

WHEN the Grecians had conquered the 
neighboring towns 
And had made up a list of the loot, 
They could boast every trophy from sandals to 
crowns, 
And some other good booty to boot. 
It is said they had more than a whole racket store 

In the number and kinds of the things, — 
Quite enough to inspire any poetic liar 
Or awaken the goddess who sings. 

O, in fact, I may say that it seemed such a prize. 

Such a treasure of comfort and cheer, 
It was poetic salve in the blind Homer's eyes 

And he opened the Iliad here. 
And his pupils dilate, I am happy to state, 

When they scan through his epic complete, 
And they forge far ahead of the average biped 

As they measure each line with six feet. 

Now the Grecians regarded this plunder with pride 
And with boasting, bravado and brag. 

And they firmly decided whate'er should betide 
They would firmly be tied to the swag. 

73 



74 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

Of the odds and the ends they declared dividends, 

And the ratio to each mother's son 
Of the silver and gold, when the lot was all told. 

Was the ominous sixteen to one. 



Achilles clandestinely picked out a maid 

Who was known as Briseis by name ; 
And Aggie accepted Chryseis in trade 

For a partial release of his claim. 
(These names, by the way, are not easy to say 

And may hinder the flow of my song ; 
But they're plain as can be if you'll accent the e 

And will make them three syllables long.) 

This damsel Chryseis was blessed with a dad 

Who was christened Chryses at his birth. 
And he brought on some crises exceedingly bad 

And most woefully lacking in mirth. 
As a sober old priest he had risen like yeast 

As a man who was worthy to follow, 
And his form was as grand as the eye could demand. 

For he served at the shrine of Apollo. 

For a sail on the sea to the camp of the Greeks 
He embarked to entreat for his daughter. 

With his haversack loaded with liver and leeks 
And some ApoUo-naris for water. 

And the onions he took were not only to cook 
But with teardrops his eyes to bedim. 




HE OPENED THE ILIAD HERE 



75 



76 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

For he fully believed, since the Greeks were well- 
greaved, 
They would look for some grieving in him. 

In a trice and a jiffy he sought Aggie out 

And he started right in to implore 
He would give up the maid he was crazy about 

From the place that she had in his store. 
" For we need her," he cried, " at our own fireside ; 

And I've brought you a ransom of worth." 
But Aggie in glee bade him take to the sea, — 

Or, in other words, get off the earth. 

" I shall never comply with your doleful demand," 

Shouted Aggie, " so hike to your ship 
And peddle your woes in your own native land 

If your ticket includes the round trip." 
Then the priest grew so sore I'm afraid that he 
swore, — 

Though his calling and craft taught him better, — 
And he urged that a thief could be made of a chief 

By the simple exchange of a letter. 

But alas and alack, — and, perhaps, well-a-day, — 

For the priest was denuded of hope ; 
And he bowed to Apollo in direful dismay 

And devoutly inquired for the dope. 
And Apollo gave heed to his minister's need 

By releasing a dreadful disease 
Which afflicted the Greeks for a couple of weeks 

While the Trojans continued at ease. 



A DISCORD IN ASIA MINOR 77 

The commanders all looked with the gravest distrust 

On the plague, and they sought to undo it, 
For a thousand good soldiers were biting the dust 

And returning unduly unto it. 
And the companies, too, of the insurance crew. 

As the Grecians grew fewer and fewer, 
Would solicit no risk while the dying was brisk 

But discreetly declined to insure. 

Then Achilles opined they were pining because 

Agamemnon had slighted the priest 
And had sent him away with derisive guffaws 

And behavior befitting a beast. 
So he summoned the troops in appropriate groups 

And unfolded the cause of the curse 
Till the infantry swore, ** We are sickly and sore 

But there's something on foot even worse." 

He recited with feeling the lay of the land. 

(And they say his reciting was fine. 
He could tell of the deck where the boy took his stand 

And of Bingen that lay on the Rhine.) 
And when Calchas concurred in each eloquent word 

They approved with such lusty " Amen " 
That Achilles with zest proudly poked out his chest 

And recited it over again. 

Then they called Aggie up and they called Aggie 
down, 
And Achilles began to express 



78 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

How the cheek of the chief was the talk of the town 

In a very unwelcome address. 
He implored and he prayed he would give up the 
maid 

To return to her own native coast 
Since the soldiers in mass on account of the lass 

Seemed predestined to give up the ghost. 

Now the cup of the anger of Aggie was full 

As he heard the complaints of the men. 
He was mad as a hornet or mad as a bull 

Or as mad as an old setting hen. 
And he flashed out his ire like a volcanic fire 

In a manner so shockingly bad 
That the medical crew said no tonics they knew 

Could relieve the eruptions he had. 

In a violent temper he vented his spleen 

And berated his censors at will, — 
For he lived in a day when the doctors were green 

And the spleen had a mission to fill. 
In impetuous rage upon Calchas, the sage, 

He bespoke maledictions galore. 
For he harbored a grudge at this self-christened judge 

Who had sentenced his daughter before. 

But he saved up the sauciest things he could say 

To bestow on Achilles for spite. 
And he spoke them in such an opprobrious way 

That Achilles was ready to fight. 



A DISCORD IN ASIA MINOR 79 

And they squabbled and swore in such verbal up- 
roar, — 

Like the rabble in dissolute brawls, — 
That the army stood mute at the awful dispute 

And the Trojans peeped over the walls. 

But, at length, Agamemnon allowed their demand, 

And they all were in glee till he said: 
" I will discard the queen that I hold in my hand 

And will draw for another instead. 
As a maiden in lieu Miss Briseis will do, 

And with her I'll be wholly content ; 
So Chryseis may flee from her sojourn with me 

And may go where Eurydice went." 

Then Briseis wept tears that were bitter as gall 

And Achilles grew crabbed and sour, — 
For they did not incline to the verdict at all. 

Though to change it was out of their power. 
So the maid said good-bye with a watery eye 

While Achilles was bursting with grief ; 
But their tragical woe was a comical show 

To the satisfied gaze of the chief. 

" I can ne'er be resigned," said Achilles, in scorn, 
" To the judgment of such a gossoon ; 

But I can be resigned until Gabriel's horn 
From your horse and your foot and dragoon. 

So you'll strike from your list, I most firmly insist. 
Both myself and my Myrmidons brave ; 



8o PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

For we'll laugh at your woe when you run from the 
foe 
And will scatter no blooms on your grave." 

Then he wandered away, but he left with the band 

All the horns a dilemma provides, — 
Not the kind that's adapted to music's demand, 

And his brass didn't suit them, besides. 
While they rattled and swore, he repaired to the shore 

Where he sought his emotion to smother 
By reducing his grief with the cheering relief 

Of a long distance call for his mother. 



IX 

A COMBATIVE TURN 
(From the Scrap Books of Virgil and Homer) 




IX 

A COMBATIVE TURN 
(From the Scrap Books of Virgil and Homer) 



COME list, come list, come list to me ! — 
An overture from which you'll see 
We've reached a place where sense insists 
That we devote some space to lists. 
Not Liszt, the music man of fame 
(I make no play upon the name), 
Not lists of gifts or laundry duds. 
Subscription lists or family bloods, 
But lists whose crimson fields of shame 
As lists of casualty became, 
Where foe met foe and didn't speak, — 
(Perhaps the Trojans knew no Greek 
Or Grecians didn't understand 
The jabber of the Trojan band) ; 
Where men of mettle went to tilt 
And drove their metal to the hilt 

83 



84 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

In any unprotected place 

Between the waist line and the face; 

Where rivals raged like bulls and bears 

And stocks of steel were doubtful shares 

And holdings of uncertain luck 

By which a fellow might get stuck; 

Where each contender sought to joust 

Just like Mephisto after Faust 

With all the scenery complete 

And Helen playing Marguerite. 

Now to resume our mournful lay 

Just where this preface led astray. 

We find Achilles on the beach 

When Aggie picked his precious peach, 

A peach to gladden any man 

But not the proper sort to can. 

(The kind, in fact, we only see 

Upon a graceful family tree.) 

With head agog and heart astew, 

He looked aloft intent to view 

The Irish stars he liked the best, — 

O'Ryan sloping to the West, 

And near at hand in radiant show 

Night-blooming Sirius aglow. 

But clouds obscured the cheering sight, — 

And then, besides, 'twas hardly night. 

And heavenly stars have not the way 

Of shining at a matinee. 

He cast his eyes upon the ground 

But there no consolation found, 



A COMBATIVE TURN 85 

So out he leered upon the sea 
To seek a balm of mirth and glee. 
He there beheld to check his wrath 
His mother coming from the bath, — 
For Thetis through a family fault 
Took everything that came with salt. 
(Perhaps the reader will not fail 
To sprinkle some upon this tale.) 

The mother looked upon the youth 
And soon discerned the tragic truth 
Depicted in his face and form 
Betokening the inward storm. 
Besides, Achilles told her much 
That made his feelings wear a crutch. 
" Sit steady in the boat," she cried, 
" And do not rock from side to side. 
Your policy to dodge the scraps 
Is one too valuable to lapse 
Till each of these deriding scamps 
Upon your life a premium stamps. 
On me for aid you may depend 
To see this matter to the end. 
For I will pray fire-darting Zeus 
With his renowned electric juice 
To make a lightning change for you 
Upon the general Grecian view." 
With these remarks she went below, 
Much like a submarine would go. 
And he perceived with knowing eyes 
That much beneath the surface lies. 



86 PTITTING TROY IN A SACK 

A Trojan spy quite near the Greek 
Was boldly playing hide and seek 
When brave Achilles heard the way 
His mother's wit would save the day. 
By winding paths with much dispatch, 
Through many a thorn- and briar-patch, 
The spy returned with notes complete, 
And countless splinters in his feet, 
To let the Trojan leaders know 
Achilles' troupe had quit the show 
And in engagements then devised 
Would not appear as advertised. 
The Trojans gave a shout of joy 
That jarred the Grecian hoi polloi, 
And notified the fruitful spy 
He was the apple of their eye. 
They then discreetly sallied out 
To put the sacking crew to rout 
With bugle and with blunderbuss 
And other means of fight and fuss. 

The Grecians ran with main and might 
And broke some records in their flight, 
While Hector's band upon their tracks 
Made live pin-cushions of their backs. 
With many a hack they drove them on 
Until their power to charge was gone 
And all the Greeks had run away 
In wild confusion and dismay. 
Bold Agamemnon bore a scratch 
Inflicted in the running match. 



A COMBATIVE TURN 87 

And brave Achilles, quite content, 
Refused to lend him liniment. 
Then Hector sent a verbal fire 
To further stimulate his ire 
And said his Greeks he ought to use 
For restaurants or shining shoes 
Since they had clearly learned to fight 
From correspondence schools at night. 
(From all of which you will deduce 
That Thetis had a pull with Zeus.) 

Within the shelter of his ships 

Bold Agamemnon bit his lips 

And all his warriors bemeaned 

That Hector had them quarantined. 

*' You fight," said he, " just like the men 

Who like to hear the count of ten 

While grovelling upon the floor 

Which they have painted with their gore. 

If you would square yourselves with me, 

Avert this harsh catastrophe." 

Then Nestor said : " Send back the maid 

Who erstwhile with Achilles stayed, 

And give him, too, to stop the strife 

Your blushing daughter for a wife. 

With seven towns to make him glad, — 

As many homes as Homer had. 

All other aid you summon is 

As lemon-aid compared with his." 

Then, loath to do it, Aggie said: 

" Although I'd rather see him dead. 



88 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

It seems the only ray of hope, 
So hasten to him with the dope. 
To take this pill I will agree 
Lest all the Trojans pillage me." 

When Aggie gave his sad assent, 
A suitable committee went, — 
Ulysses, Ajax, Phoenix, three 
Well versed in notes of harmony, — 
To bear the gifts and compliments 
Which Aggie sent in penitence. 
Achilles was a settled guy 
Most difficult to mollify, — 
Not one to soften or retreat 
Like butter melting in the heat. 
He listened to the pleading notes 
The trio warbled from their throats, 
But not a tone could they emit 
Which served to change his tune a bit. 
" I am determined," he opined, 
" To keep my present state of mind. 
You're barking up an empty tree 
If you would make your game of me." 
Then, like the noted King of France, 
The trio down the hill did prance. 
Gift-bearing Greeks who could not bribe 
This fellow-member of their tribe. 
They sauntered up to Aggie's court 
With their unfavorable report 
And begged their findings be perused 
And their committee then excused. 



A COMBATIVE TURN 89 

The Trojans now came out for fair, 

With pennants floating in the air, 

The Grecian colors to pursue 

And change them into black and blue,— 

While Jove in jovial delight 

Looked on with favor at the fight, 

And all the other gods took part 

To help the cause they had at heart. 

The Trojans hurried to the ships 

And took some kerosene and chips 

To kindle both the Grecian ire 

And one consuming Trojan fire 

Which would the fleeing foe avail 

To undertake a fire sail. 

By such a sortie sorely shamed 

The Grecian soldiers were inflamed, 

And Ajax shouted to the foe 

Advising Hector where to go. 

But Hector looked him in the face 

And hurled his lance with skill and grace 

And struck him near the boiling point 

And nearly knocked him out of joint. 

When Ajax rallied from the harm 
He limbered up his pitching arm 
And picked a stone from out the dirt 
As large as decks an actor's shirt. 
With speed he tossed the sphere to Hec 
And caught him full upon the neck 
And sent him sprawling to the earth 
Despite his boasted upper birth. 



go PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

(How strange a chief who stood so pat 
Should fall for such a thing as that!) 
His comrades hastened to his side 
And proper remedies applied. 
Advising in his next outburst 
He heed the maxim, " Safety first." 
Then up he bounded from the ground 
And started on another round. 
Now striking left, now striking right 
Till striking Greeks refused to fight. 

Pat Roclus from a vantage spot 
Observed that things were getting hot. 
And off he skipped to Nestor's tent 
To tell of their predicament. 
The hoary Nestor wisely spoke 
With eyelids moistened by the smoke 
Emerging from the burning ships. 
And burning words escaped his lips: 
" Seek out Achilles and procure 
At once his present temperature. 
Of all beneath the Grecian rule 
It seems that he alone is cool. 
Invite him back into the fray 
With promises of extra pay 
To save us from the Trojan guns 
Together with his Myrmidons." 

Then Pat proceeded to the place 
Where bold Achilles hid his face 



A COMBATIVE TURN gi 

From Agamemnon's slings and slurs 
And curious photographers. 
He found Achilles disinclined 
To modify his frame of mind 
Or buckle on his fighting clothes 
In their receiving line to pose. 
*' Go tell them, Pat," said he, in hate, 
" Their invitation comes too late. 
I'll neither go nor send regrets 
To parties in their social sets. 
Though vivisection is so base, 
I'm for it in the present case; 
And ere I'd help relieve their fears 
I'd see them cut to souvenirs." 
(He mixed his rhetoric, of course, 
But wouldn't mix with Aggie's force.) 

Just then as flames went leaping high 

From Grecian galleys standing by, 

Achilles thought about his flame, — 

Briseis was the maiden's name. 

" Perhaps," mused he, *' this damsel fair 

Is languishing in anguish there 

In pain too great to be endured, — 

And, like the vessels, uninsured." 

He then relented just a bit. 

But good Pat Roclus noticed it 

And said : " O, come on, be a sport ! 

I'll take your soldiers to report 

If you prefer to stay and rest. 

Just have your suit of armor pressed 



92 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

And let me wear it to the fray. 
It ought to fit me, anyway. 
And they will think that I am you. 
And I will show a thing or two 
To let them know I'm up to snuff 
At pulling off this fighting stuff. 
Come on, I say, and show you're game. 
And you will see that I'm the same." 



Achilles thought a time or two 

And pondered what he ought to do. 

Then out he spoke, — (in fact, they say 

He was outspoken, anyway). 

" My Myrmidons," said he, " as such 

Are fighting none and eating much 

And putting me to great expense 

And bringing nothing in as rents. 

On this account you may proceed 

To have their service for their feed 

In sewing up the Trojan sack, — 

But don't forget to bring them back." 

He summoned then the Myrmidons 

And bade them clean their swords and guns 

And follow where Pat Roclus led 

And do whatever Patrick said. 

Into the scrap all span and spick. 
To thin it out where it was thick, 
They hurried on in armored suits, 
With Patrick in Achilles' boots. 



A COMBATIVE TURN 93 

The Greeks beheld with rare delight 

The band returning to the fight, 

And gave them greeting in a shout 

That turned their voices inside out. 

The Trojans took a look at Pat 

And, like a mouse would dodge a cat. 

They scampered back through brakes and bogs 

In terror from Achilles' togs. 

The ones who went to bum the boats 

Would not take time to get their coats. 

But fled in fear with speed and skill 

Like bob-sleds sliding down a hill. 

The Grecians quenched the flames in haste 

And after fleeing Trojans raced, 

Who ran as fast to reach the gates 

As most successful candidates. 

But Sarpedon in valor tried 

To stay his hosts and stem the tide, 

And threw a spear into the flock 

That missed young Pat a city block. 

Pat Roclus then let loose a lance 

That struck the seat of Sarpy's pants, — 

(Which means, — the joke is old in part, — 

It hit him square upon the heart). 

Then Sarpedon gave up the strife. 

Laid down his weapons and his life 

And from his work of war retired 

Since his subscription had expired. 

Pat Roclus then began to strut 

And yelled, " Ha! Ha! I've killed the mut! " 



94 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

But pride, like summer, you recall, 
Is likely to precede a fall. 
When Sarpy, like a falling star, 
Went down with glory and a jar, 
Brave Hector bubbled o'er with grief 
And wept into his handkerchief. 
Said he : " I'll teach this roustabout. 
Who knocked my worthy chieftain out. 
That he must straightway meet his fate 
In scrapping me, a heavyweight." 
He bade his chauffeur fill his car 
With oil and gas and tools of war 
And drive him out upon the field 
Where Patrick stood with spear and shield. 
(His car had not consumed his hoard; 
He bought one that he could — afford.) 

Pat Roclus aimed a heavy stone 
At Hector's massive collar bone 
Which missed the gallant Trojan peer 
But made him drop his charioteer. 
Then Hector screamed with scornful cry: 
" Come one, come all, your rocks may fly. 
But you will learn when in my reach 
Some other pebbles deck the beach ! " 
" Indeed ! " quoth Patrick, in a huff. 
" You've met a guy to call your bluff. 
Prepare yourself, for I shall knock 
Your trunk from underneath your block ! " 
Then foe to foe and face to face 
They battled all about the place, 



A COMBATIVE TURN 95 

Each keen to offer tit for tat 
And lay his adversary flat. 

At last, Hec got the upper hand 

And brought his rival to the land, 

Remarking as he dealt the blow, 

** You've struck your match and out you go." 

Poor Pat fell prostrate with a thud 

And bathed the battlefield in blood, — 

And Harvard clansmen all agree 

It was a crimson victory. 

But Patrick spent his final breath, 

His ruling passion strong in death, 

To taunt his foe with warnings grim 

About the fate awaiting him. 

Said he : " I'm gone past hope of cures, 

But, Mr. Hector, you'll get yours. 

Achilles, when he hears my doom, 

Will promptly offer Hec a tomb.'* 

Unheeding, Hector stripped the lad 

Of all the armament he had, 

And said : " I'll keep Achilles' suit 

And wear it in my next dispute. 

You will not grieve in such a state 

To lose so much of surplus weight." 

Another controversy then 
Arose among the fighting men, — 
A habeas corpus sort of spat 
To get the custody of Pat. 



96 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

The Greeks maintained the Trojans had 
Improperly purloined the lad 
With force and arms and other ways, 
Or vi et artnis, — classic phrase. 
The controversy grew so great 
There was no chance to arbitrate; 
And Jove, to end the martial sport, 
Assumed the functions of a court. 
He turned a damper on the broil 
By yielding Patrick's mortal coil 
Unto the Greeks; and with a scoff 
The testy Trojans shuffled off. 



X 

A RETURN ENGAGEMENT 




A RETURN ENGAGEMENT 



WHEN Achilles was told of his follower's 
fate. 
It is needless to say that his sorrow was 
great; 
And he wept like a willow 
All over his pillow 
And buried his head like a wild armadillo 
Beneath all the sheets that he had on his bed 
And the blankets and quilts that were over them 

spread. 
He could not have mourned more if his debtors were 

dead. 
But his couch lacked the solace he sought for relief, 
Which was, namely, a comfort to cover his grief. 
All alone with his woes 
He could find no repose. 
While a pain in his heart held him fast in its throes 
And a counterpane surged from his head to his toes. 

99 



loo PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

A hard state to govern, as any one knows. 
He called out for Pat 
In the pitch of B flat, 
(An appropriate pitch, we must all admit that,) 
And he cried to his spirit : " Wherever you mix 
With the stacks of good men who have crossed o'er 
the Styx, 

Be assured by the vow 
That I register now, 
I shall fall upon Hec like a thousand of bricks 
With a dazzling array of entirely new tricks. 
Though my armor he dons, he will tire of the suit 
Like a lad who essays his initial cheroot 
And then throws it aside, — with some more things 

to boot. 
Take comfort, good Pat, though no comfort have I. 
We shall meet once again in the sweet by and by. 
And a decent interment I'll see that you get. 
But the hatchet I'll keep above ground a while yet." 

Now the fond, doting mother, good Madam Peleus, 
Reflected on methods designed to reduce 
The weight of the woe of her overwrought son, 
And finally hit on a suitable one. 

With her purse in her mit 

And with money in it. 
She strolled to the town to go shopping a bit 
In search of a suit and in search of a fit, — 
Not a counter fit, though, of the hand-me-down class. 
But a tailor-made garment which none could surpass. 
With the coat made of steel and the trousers of brass. 



A RETURN ENGAGEMENT loi 

She sought out the pride 

Of the whole countryside, 
One Mr. Hephsestus, renowned far and wide, 
Who delivered his goods to the cream of the gods 
And was reckoned the readiest tailor by odds. 
He was really the first who could vulcanize clothes 
To be proof from the helmet clear down to the hose 
From a hard rain of bullets from inclement foes. 
There was quite a demand for such vestments as 
those. 

Now Thetis herself was a part of the cream 
Of the stylish four hundred and social regime, 
And she lauded the tailor with praises enough 
To tickle his pride with her lavish cream puff. 

" You are splendid," said she, 

" If you leave it to me ; 
Just as clever, in fact, as you're cracked up to be; 
And the person to whom such an order belongs. 
So I want you to go for it hammer and tongs." 
She then took tlie trouble to tell him at length 
The sort of a suit in the style and the strength 
She wanted to buy for her languishing lad. 
Since Patrick had worn out the best one he had 

And had not worn it back, 

But, alas and alack, 
Had yielded it up at the point of attack. 
" Very well," said Hephaestus, who beamed with de- 
light, 
" I will drink me some coffee and sit up tonight 
And will finish the suit by the first streak of light. 




THINGS HAVE ADVANCED ON ACCOUNT OF THE WAR 



102 



A RETURN ENGAGEMENT 103 

But the price will be great I'll be asking you for, 
Since things have advanced on account of the war." 



When the suit was delivered next morning at dawn, 

Achilles arose and at once tried it on, 

And said he was glad that the other was gone ; 

Since this was the best 

He had ever possessed, 
And was thicker in spots that protected the chest. 
Hjp could wear it, in fact, without need of a vest. 
And the cost was so great and so tickled him, too, 
That he left the price tag in conspicuous view. 
Besides, it betokened the garment was new. 

And his gleeful uplift 

On account of the gift 
Made him harbor no thought of the horrible rift 
That had kept him and Aggie in cavil and strife 
In a scratch-as-scratch-can sort of cat-and-dog life. 

He sought Aggie out for a chance to enlist. 
And presented his hand in the place of his fist. 
With a penitent plea to be pardoned and kissed. 
With a sob and a sigh 
And a pitiful cry. 
Poor Aggie at once sprang a leak in each eye 
That watered the blooms that were stamped on his 

shirt 
Till they wilted and ran like the troops that desert. 
He was weeping for joy, — which, of course, didn't 

hurt. 



104 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

(His eyes as a rule were as dry as the sand 

Of the mighty Sahara or arid Soudan 

Or a book in a tongue that we don't understand.) 

So behind all his wailing the sun was ablaze ; 

And the tear-clouds dispersed with their lachrymose 

haze 
When he welcomed Achilles & Company back 
As the choicest persimmons contained in the sack. 
(A figure of speech which the classics all lack.) 
He gave him a bow, 
A salaam and kotow, — 
In fact, he did every salute he knew how, — 
And bragged on the suit which Hephaestus had made 
As the best piece of work he had ever displayed, — 
Of value to wear or to sell or to trade. 
Then Achilles in turn complimented his chief 
As a balm for his soul and for mental relief. 
And the two of them speedily conquered their grief. 

When the stock of their mutual praise had run out 
And more serious things could be studied about, 
Achilles remarked : " I am off to the fray, 
So I hasten to bid you a hearty good-day. 
For I am the devil that Hec has to pay." 

Then he wandered afield 

With his spear and his shield. 
And with neither his purpose nor weapons concealed. 
And the blood in the veins of the Trojans congealed 

In a feverish fear 

Of the new fighting gear 
As with proper precaution they ran to the rear. 



A RETURN ENGAGEMENT 105 

On a postman, perhaps, such a fine coat of mail 
Would have been much admired in minutest detail 
As a trapping which all men of letters could wear 
With appropriate pride and a satisfied air. 
But the Trojans in horror took one single stare 
And then took a full flight and departed from there. 
A retiring propensity all seemed to share. 

When Apollo observed how Achilles was diked 

In a coating of steel that was skilfully spiked, 

He shouted to Hector : " Although you stood Pat, 

You had better beware of a garment like that. 

Fight shy of Achilles and linger aloof 

Unless you can puncture his vulnerable hoof." 

Then Hec in a trice 

Took Apollo's advice, — 
It was not necessary to caution him twice, — 
But the boastful lEneas, stuck-up as of yore. 
Took a terrible chance to get stuck up some more 
When he hurled a big boulder without yelling 
"Fore!" 

And, as likely as not, 

Would have died on the spot 
With the sword of Achilles releasing his gore, 
Had it not been for Neptune, who kept him intact 
With a cloud for a curtain that ended the act. 

When the mist cleared away 

Later on in the day 
And Achilles could see to proceed on his way, 
He discerned that the Trojans were heeding the calls 



io6 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

Of their good trainer Priam, who coached from the 

walls 
In an effort to tell how a goal from the field 
Could be made through the gates that were standing 

unsealed. 
So they poured into town with the wanton delight 
That the cowboys display on a Saturday night. 
And they fastened the portals to shield them from 

harm. 
And they set with precision the burglar alarm. 

It is sad to relate 

(But a fact I must state) 
That young Hector alone did not enter the gate, — 
Though he'd learned long before not to stay out too 

late. 
It was either imprudence or else it was fate. 

His father implored 

With his words underscored 
He would flee from a station so rash and untoward. 
But the neck of young Hec was as stiff as a gourd. 

And he said in reply: 

" I am ready to die 
If the time is at hand for a final good-bye ; 
But Achilles will find his investment of tin 
Is a dangerous thing to array himself in, 
And that I am prepared with a suitable ruse 
Since I have a can opener ready to use." 
The words of Apollo were gone from his ear 
And his wits were as dull as the butt of his spear. 



A RETURN ENGAGEMENT 107 

They say a wise man often alters his mind, — 

In which respect Hector was one of that kind; 

For as soon as Achilles came up where he stood, 

He straightway departed from that neighborhood. 

He ran just as fast as he possibly could. 

With Achilles in chase like a threatening fate, 

He circled the walls at a terrible rate. 

While his father kept yelling, " Duck in at a gate ! " 

But he couldn't duck in, I am sorry to state, 

For he saw every time he looked back on his rounds 

That steel was advancing by leaps and by bounds 

On the back of Achilles, a regular bull, 

With whom Hector had no particular pull. 

The onrushing Greek was entirely too near 

For Hec to attempt to butt in anywhere. 

And the fatal mishap 

Of a rush for a gap 
Would have brought to the Trojan an eternal nap. 
So he wisely began an additional lap. 

At last, in exhaustion and all out of breath. 
He felt that his lot was no better than death, — 
For death is a state in which breath is all gone. 
And the stock had run out that he'd been running on. 

So he gave up the chase 

And selected a place 
Where he thought he could fall full of glory and 

grace. 
Like a king that succumbs to the drop of an ace. 
But the drop he foresaw was a hard one to face. 



io8 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

Then Achilles came up 

Like a prize-winning pup 
At a kennel display to be given the cup, 

And poor Hector looked on 

As if life were in pawn 
And his ticket forgotten or otherwise gone. 
(An account, I am sure, which is not overdrawn.) 

" Bah ! Bah ! " shouted Hector, his courage to keep. 
But his voice was as weak as the bleat of a sheep ; 
And as weak was the thrust that he made with his 

spear. 
Which bounced like a ball from the Greek's fighting 

gear. 
Then Achilles, enraged, hurled a weapon at Hec, 
Who got it, the classics relate, in the neck 

And whirled thrice around 

In amazement profound 
At his three reel performance and fell to the ground. 
" I feared," murmured he, " that I could not endure 
A match of this sort, and I'll soon be dead sure, 

And here on the plain 

I will lie with the slain, 
For the Greek has struck me in a serious vein." 
He begged that his body be spared to his wife 
That she might look upon him as natural as life. 
But Achilles refused in indignant disdain 
And declared she would never behold him again. 
(You may here shed a tear at this sorrowful strain.) 

In a mock show of grief at the fate of his foe, 
Achilles in triumph took Hector in tow 



A RETURN ENGAGEMENT 109 

By binding his feet, — (an effect, if you please, 
He had learned long before from the crafty Chinese. 
But he practiced a different method, it seems. 
For he fastened a cable to Hector's extremes. 
And the end of the cord not affixed to the feet 
He attached to his car at the back of his seat). 
Then he drove through the hollows and over the 

heights 
For a spin round the city to take in the sights. 
While Hector was trailing o'er hill and ravine 
And absorbing the shocks like a threshing machine. 
On the top of the walls all the Trojans dismayed 
Were bemoaning their lot as they viewed the parade. 
While the taunting Achilles continued to chide 
That Hector was drifting along with the tied. 
And he shouted to Priam in gusto and glee : 
*' Your son is a traitor ! He's following me ! 
And when you dissever your gold from your dross, 
You can count upon him as a total dead loss ! " 

I am glad that the classics permit me to say : 
At last, when the conquering Greek rode away, 

The pitiful strains 

Of the Trojan refrains 
Inclined him to part with the battered remains; 
That he came to his tent with a tinge of remorse ; 
That King Priam was sent to recover the corse ; 
That Achilles in penitence gave up the lad 
And the means of identification he had, — 
Because it was difficult after the drag 
To recognize Hector except by a tag. 



XI 

DISCARDING A QUEEN 



XI 

DISCARDING A QUEEN 

WHEN Hector was duly examined 
And the Trojans perceived he had 
passed, 
They were much at a loss for a suitable boss 

Who could handle his role in the cast. 
For they liked not the capers of Paris 

Nor the didos -ffineas displayed, 
And they felt that the van was no place for a man 
Who would bring them amiss with a maid. 

But there came to them Penthesilea, 

A queen in descent and design. 
And history teaches she filled up the breaches 

Which Hector had left in the line. 
For she came with a chorus of cohorts 

To banish their useless regrets 
And supply their demand with the beautiful band 

Of her militant maid suffragettes. 



113 



114 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

They were known as the Amazon damsels, — 

Though not from Brazil, I may say, 
Nor the regions about the big River of Doubt, 

But from over the Caucasus way. 
They were martial, magnificent maidens 

Who would scrap at the drop of a hat. 
And could fight, when they'd choose, anything except 
booze, — 

And perhaps just a little of that. 

With the Trojan array to escort them, 

In couples they marched to the front 
With the finish and skill of a featuring drill 

In a musical comedy stunt. 
And they hopped, — but without hesitation, — 

When they came to the scene of the meet, 
In the thick of the fray and went waltzing away 

With their quota of arms and of feet. 

But the Greeks set them dancing in earnest 

In a difficult get-away glide. 
For the Greeks were adepts at some holds and some 
steps 

That the Amazons never had tried. 
And the maidens, alas, chicken-hearted. 

Departed, aghast and afraid. 
While their queen held her place with a scowl on 
her face 

And her beautiful hair in a braid. 









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THE AMAZON DAMSELS 



115 



ii6 TUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

Then she challenged Achilles to combat 

In a reckless flirtation with fate, — 
Though her hope of success in a duel was less 

Than the chance that she stood in debate. 
But the ways of a prude and of prudence 

Were methods unknown to her art ; 
And a thrust of cold steel was the only appeal 

That Achilles could make to her heart. 

He endeavored to turn and dissuade her 

And diminish her ardor for war, 
But a tussle with him with her bustle and vim 

Was the thing she was hankering for. 
And the sequel is one of some sorrow, 

For the queen went away to her rest, — 
Though the Greek was unwilling to make such a 
killing 

And the Amazon died by request. 



XII 
THE CALL OF THE CHIEF OPERATOR 



XII 

THE CALL OF THE CHIEF OPERATOR 

ACHILLES, — it grieves me to have to re- 
late,— 
Kept raising the Trojan mortality rate 
By lowering leaders as fast as they came 
And helping them down from the ladder of fame. 
One Memnon, the next one in order to go, 
Gave Charon a record of three in a row 
Who had crossed o'er the river and gone to the dogs 
Which stood upon guard in the Stygian bogs. 

The Trojans reflected and pondered and mused 
On the heroes Achilles had killed and contused, — 
For each of their stars he had met with his blade 
And had put out his light and reduced him to shade. 
And they sought to devise a contrivance or craft 
That would place him in passage aboard Charon's 

raft, 
But no hope could they find to deprive him of breath 
Unless he should chance to be tickled to death. 



119 



120 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

But all that goes up is predestined to fall, 
And the lane is a long one that turns not at all ; 
And the fate of the Greek took a turn to reveal 
The place on his foot where a wound wouldn't heal. 
(You mothers, who follow in his mother's path, 
Be careful in giving your babies a bath : 
To ward off a foothold of tragedy dread, 
You should start at the heels and wash up toward 
the head.) 

The same heartless Paris who started the fray 
By stealing a heart in a clandestine way, 
Brought about with an arrow the Greek's over- 
throw, — 
But he didn't shoot this one from Dan Cupid's bow. 
The death-dealing dart he selected to spend 
Bore a poisonous tip on the business end; 
And with cunning and caution he aimed at his goal, — 
Not the heart of the Greek but his vulnerable sole. 

With regard to the scene of this matter one finds 

Some different views in the classical lines, — 

A perfectly natural fact, it appears, 

Since the classical writers looked on through their 

tears. 
One author avers he was seeking to wed 
A daughter of Priam; another has said 
He was leading a charge ; but each one of them shows 
He was hit in the heel and then turned up his toes. 



CALL OF THE CHIEF OPERATOR 121 

The missile of Paris went straight to its mark, 
And Achilles prepared for a leap in the dark, — 
For he questioned in vain in his grief and despair 
If there happened to be a chiropodist there. 
And footsore and weary and boiling with wrath. 
He cursed him who thus put a thorn in his path 
And exclaimed in the anger and anguish he felt, 
" Foul fiend ! You have struck me far under the 
belt!" 

Then the hand of the hero, alack and alas. 
Grew deplorably weak as he whispered, " I pass." 
And he went from the game like a loser who recks 
Of the chances he takes, and he cashed in his checks. 
Then the Greeks laid him out on a funeral pyre 
With appropriate rites and a burning desire 
To display their distress at the terrible stroke 
That was bearing their conqueror upward in smoke. 

For rest to his spirit to shadeland returned. 
For peace to his ashes so notably earned. 
The Greeks looked aloft with importunate cry 
And, like unto us, bade the hero good-bye. 
Farewell to Achilles, the best of his clan. 
With the head of a god and the heel of a man! 
Farewell to the pride of the Grecian array, 
A demigod soul on a footing of clay! 



XIII 
A KINGDOM FOR A HORSE 




XIII 

A KINGDOM FOR A HORSE 



THE Grecians, alert for a leader of note, 
Resolved to award by resort to a vote 
The helmet and hosiery, trousers and coat 
Which the valiant Achilles had cased himself in, — 
Ere an amorous suit he had placed himself in 
When young Paris took steps the engagement to 

break 
By reducing the steps that Achilles could take. 
(This sentence is long and, accordingly, weak; 
But a longer one still was pronounced on the Greek.) 

When election day came, as election days do. 

The names that appeared on the ballots were two : 

Ulysses the one and the other Ajax. 

And many a Greek gave his big battle axe 

In exchange for the use of a valid poll tax, — 

An early example the records afford 

Of a time when the pen had the edge on the sword. 

125 



126 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

When the votes had been counted, Ulysses, they say. 
Had all of the happy returns of the day 
By a margin so great that the rivalling Grreek 
Sought to drown his despair in the depths of Salt 

Creek. 
But the saline solution was powerless quite 
To keep up his heart in his pitiful plight. 
And he took an excursion to Lethe instead 
(Which means that he went to abide with the dead) 
While Mr. Ulysses remained overhead 
In the coveted garb of Achilles arrayed, 
And so had the better of him by a shade. 

One Helenus, gifted in prophecy's arts, 
A son of King Priam and lad of some parts, 
Who, like to his sister Cassandra in sleight, 
Could see things in daytime as well as at night. 
Was captured one day by a Hellenic gin 
Just after Ulysses was duly sworn in. 

This lad was coerced by some third degree stuff 
To practice his prophetic vision enough 
To reveal what the Trojans were thinking about 
And to tell of three strikes that would put them all 

out. 
(A base, bald attempt to accomplish their rout.) 
The first one was simple : Achilles' young kid 
Should fight in their ranks, — and, accordingly, did; 
The second more serious: some one should get 
The arrows belonging to Heracles' set. 



A KINGDOM FOR A HORSE 127 

This curious kit Philoctetes of yore 

Had kept in his own miscellaneous store 

(We have spoken of him and his missiles before) 

When alone on a desolate isle he was put 

With an ache in his heart and a pain in his foot. 

In an effort to set Philoctetes at ease 

From his cardiac pangs and his pedal disease, 

And to win back the arrows by methods like these, 

Ul5^ses then sailed with a competent leech 

And a comrade or two and a memorized speech. 

And his words were so smooth and the doctor so wise 

That the archer, aquiver, with blood in his eyes 

As he found himself whole in his hoof and his heart. 

Agreed to assist with each coveted dart. 

He would be at the finish though barred at the start. 

Exhibiting class in belligerent stunts. 

The archer proceeded to Paris at once 

And opened his heart (that of Paris, I mean) 

With a dart that was dipped in a dire Paris green. 

For he bent both his bow and his energy, too. 

In removing the cause, as the good doctors do, 

By providing a speedy approach unto death 

For the brave son of Priam that quite took his breath. 

The other condition which Helenus set, 
The third and the last and the hardest one yet, 
Was the theft of the trophy of Ilium's joy. 
The famous Palladium, honored in Troy, 



128 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

In which all the hopes of the Trojans were put, 
As a negro relies on a charmed rabbit's foot. 



But the mighty Ulysses at once started out 

With some self-given wounds and a mendicant's pout, 

And paraded the city to look all about 

For this image of Pallas-Athene in wood 

That stood very high in that whole neighborhood. 

(I'd tell you the height of the thing if I could.) 

His beggar's disguise was so very complete 

That he passed without question the crowds on the 

street, 
And he garnered the coppers they dropped in his cup 
And avoided the coppers the city dressed up. 

With the nation at war and with Paris at peace. 
The thoughts of fair Helen were turning to Greece, — 
Though, very soon after her mate's overthrow, 
At the altar with young Deiphobus in tow. 
For an exchange of vows she had tranquilly stood 
And had cut out the weeds of her brief widowhood. 

She was strolling the street in a swaggering show 
And displaying the duds of her latest trousseau 
When she met with Ulysses and pierced his disguise 
And unfolded the truth that he sought with his lies. 
She was turning to Greece, quite a natural fault, — 
But not in the way Mrs. Lot turned to salt, — 
And she lent him a hand in the promising hunt, — 
For bestowing her hand was her favorite stunt. 



A KINGDOM FOR A HORSE 129 

And soon, as no doubt you infer was the case. 
Pretty Pallas-Athene was off of her base 
And eloping, alas, in a Grecian's embrace. 

With the stubborn conditions which Helenus set 
Thus so bravely essayed and successfully met, 
The Greeks had a sculptor to build them a steed, 
A wooden but wonderful charger indeed. 
There was never another, in fact, of its breed. 
It was very spectacular, very immense, — 
It bespoke for its maker a lot of horse-sense, — 
Very spacious within, very specious without, — 
A hobby, in short, to be happy about. 

When the creature was finished and ready to ride, 
A band of Greek soldiers was hustled inside, — 
And, if you believe this miraculous tale, 
You should not question Jonah's sojourn in the 

whale, — 
An old casus belli where doubters prevail. 
Then the Greeks sailed away with a horselaugh or 

two 
At the fate of their foes that was sure to ensue 
When they captured the nag, for 'twas easier far 
Thus to horsewhip the Trojans than beat them in 

war. 

Then forth from the gates with a song and a shout 
Came the forces of Ilium sallying out; 
And they gazed at their booty with pleasure and 
pride. 



130 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

But entirely forgot to inspect the inside. 
And they called it a dream, — they were quite un- 
aware 
It was very much more like a noxious nightmare, — 
And they wanted to take it at once through the wall 
And construct for its comfort an elegant stall. 



But a priest of Apollo and two of his sons 
Arose to proclaim it more direful than guns, 
And averred that to them it was plain as could be 
It was horseplay in quite an unusual degree. 
But the Trojans regarded each word that they spoke 
As a sort of horse-chestnut attempt at a joke. 
And, besides, to discredit the warnings they hurled. 
Some snakes came and ushered them out of the 
world. 

One Sinon (Ulysses had left him behind 

In some stocks and some bonds for the Trojans to 

find) 
Was a crafty old Greek who, in lines of deceit. 
Had a line on the Trojans that couldn't be beat. 
(I must mention it here to make my lines complete.) 
With some sobs in his voice and some tears on his 

cheeks, 
He appeared as a captive escaped from the Greeks, 
And announced to his foes, though he hailed them 

as friends, 
That his stocks and his bonds were without divi- 
dends 



A KINGDOM FOR A HORSE 131 

And were really a burden and drag on his hands 
And afforded no interest to meet his demands. 
They were fetters imposed by the base Grecian 
bands. 



It is likely this Greek was the first to give breath 
To that famous petition for freedom or death ; 
And he vowed, if his chains they would properly 

loose, 
He would tell all about this perplexing cayuse. 
For he boldly declared he had worked as a lad 
In a livery stable and made it his fad 
To observe every trait that a horse ever had. 
And insisted concerning this newfangled nag 
He could straightway deliver the cat from the bag 
And explain in a jiffy its wherefores and whys 
With the ease of a pugilist dotting some eyes. 

When freed from his shackles, this Grecian, forsooth, 
Started stretching his limbs and then stretching the 

truth. 
For he looked at the steed and with absolute ease 
Very blandly affirmed it was built to appease 
The affront to Minerva, whose rage was aglow 
That her statue no longer was in statu quo. 
(A term of the law which you probably know.) 
Old Calchas, said he, had suggested the steed. 
And the Greeks framed it up and sailed homeward 

to plead 
With the oracle there to tell how to proceed, — 



132 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

With the comforting thought that the horse was so 

taU 
That the Trojan array could not use it at all 
Since it couldn't be put through a gate in their wall. 

No sooner had Sinon delivered his speech 
Than the Trojans began on a big mural breach, 
With a firm resolution their work to pursue 
Until the horse trade was completely put through. 
(Though Cassandra declared that it never would do.) 
So they battered away with their shivering shocks 
And they knocked out a hole for a couple of blocks, — 
An extravagant waste of some excellent rocks, — 
And they pulled at the steed with victorious mien. 
But it balked like an auto without gasoline. 
Then they twisted its tail and they offered it hay. 
But it couldn't be started in any such way; 
So they ordered some rollers to fix to its feet. 
And they shod it all round with this clever conceit, 
And they ushered it in without hindrance or drag. 
With some wheels in their heads and some more on 
the nag. 

With the beast now at bay, — so they reasoned, at 

least, — 
Though I can't say that bay was the shade of the 

beast, — 
They began a carousal and grew quite as drunk 
As a pipe-hitting Chink on a snooze in his bunk. 
And they gave way to dreams of a fanciful sort. 
Like the same kind of Chink in his smoking resort. 



A KINGDOM FOR A HORSE 133 

And they slumbered at ease in ecstatic delight 

Till they soon were as still as the dead of the night. 



A prearranged signal then summoned the fleet. 
Which had anchored at sea in a cozy retreat. 
And while it sailed back without tinge of remorse 
Old Sinon unbuttoned the side of the horse. 
And out stepped the Jonahs the truth to unfold 
That the city should fall as the gods had foretold, — 
Eor the soldiers possessed, beyond shadow of doubt, 
Inside information that hadn't leaked out. 

The horse and the city had come to a hitch, 
With the Trojan defenders asleep at the switch. 
And with portals ajar and the army ashore, 
The Grecians proceeded as never before 
To paint the town red with the enemy's gore. 
And the Trojans, astounded, were taken aback 
As they opened their eyes and a counter attack, 
While the Grecians continued to sew up the sack. 

And now comes the truth that distresses me most: 

King Priam, alas, and his militant host 

Surrendered their treasures and gave up the ghost. 

They were out of the running and left at their post. 

-ffineas alone made a bold get away. 

With his father atop of his shoulders, they say. 

But I find little balm for the general scrape 

In the fact that these citizens made their escape. 

Let us cover the scene with a mantle of crepe. 



134 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 

Fair Helen, of course, since the Trojans were dead, 
Attended her Hellenic husband instead. 
And he welcomed her back with obliging good-will, 
For in spite of her faults he was loving her still. 
Then the bands of the Grecians were hurried aboard, 
And the swag and the booty were suitably stored, 
And the vessels set sail o'er the shimmering foam. 
The performance was over, and so they went home. 



The Finish 



FRITZ GARLAND LANHAM 



FRITZ GARLAND LAN HAM * 

To Alcalde Editor Fritz, a Line or so of Praise that Fits. 

Alas, alas, our Fritz, he quits a place devoid of perquisites. 

But one well suited to his wits. 
His time now goes on legal writs, on getting clients out 
through slits. 
On rending statutes into splits. 
No Texas Ex, I know, admits he's glad to see the end of 
Fritz, 
But sadly, hopelessly submits. 
O what a Sin he now commits if from this mag he wholly flits. 

And nothing further here emits! 
How we shall miss his merry skits, his pirns, his jokes, his 
frequent hits. 
That shook our ribs almost to bits! ! ! 

NOT very far from the ruddy banks of the 
Brazos, within drinking distance of the 
health-renewing waters of the Crazy Well, 
situate on both sides of the T. & P. between Aledo 
on the east and Millsap on the west, the discerning 
geographer finds the notable city of Weatherford, 
which was once a commercial metropolis that at- 
tracted buyers from distant Frogtown and Desde- 
mona, but which now has its trade area a little re- 
duced towards the east by the united competition of 
Fort Worth and Dallas. In spite of these envious 

* Reprinted from the November, 1916, University of Texas 
Alcalde, upon the retirement of Mr. Lanham as Editor-in-Chief. 

137 



138 FRITZ GARLAND LANHAM 

oriental municipalities, Weatherford continues to 
flourish amid her post oaks and watermelons, amid 
her black and red haws, which compete with each 
other in delighting the palate of mankind. All who 
are familiar with the history of Parker County, and 
their name is legion, know that Weatherford is its 
county seat, whereat in times past events not unim- 
portant in the history of civilization have taken place. 
There, a few decades ago, Charlie S. Potts and Eddie 
T. Miller and Johnnie A. Lomax dabbled their toes in 
its sands and their brains in its collegiate fountains of 
learning. There, in much more ancient times, the un- 
justly treated author of these historic lines was, W et 
armis, put out of Cleveland College of which previ- 
ously he had been the pride and ornament because he 
had paid his board several months in advance and be- 
cause he had gallantly refused to " tell on " a couple 
of mischievous young culprits who had sprinkled a 
few quarts of sulphur match heads over the floor of 
a Sunday school, which, as a consequence, on the fol- 
lowing Sabbath, had more the smell of the brimstone 
lake than the odor of sanctity. Adjacent thereto, at 
a time so remote that chronologers are quarrelling 
over the matter, was born a certain T. U. Taylor, one 
of the hoohooiest of our hoohoos. 

Were Baedeker correctly informed concerning 
these sundry other events of great or equal merit, 
Weatherford would long ago have been twice starred 
a la Yosemite, Yellowstone and Niagara. Did Baed- 
eker know that Fritz G. Lanham had selected Weath- 
erford as his birthplace, triple stars would henceforth 



FRITZ GARLAND LANHAM 139 

decorate the town in all future guide books whatso- 
ever. The birthplace of Homer is unfortunately un- 
known, seven cities contending acrimoniously for the 
honor. Happy Weatherford, which claims without 
denial the natal cradle of the immortal author of 
The Sack of Troy. Thrice happy Oyster Hill, about 
whose feet the infant Fritz must first have dis- 
cerned the vague outlines of that vast sack into which 
he has dumped Fay and Helen, and Battle and Cas- 
sandra. Blessed among fountains is the Eddleman 
Pool, whose cretaceous waters and Pactolinian sands 
have laved the limbs of him who in after life was to 
become the first editor of the Alcalde and the author 
of a book destined to become more famous than the 
Batrachomyomachia. 

Fritz was an infant prodigy. At Weatherford 
College he shone beside boys ten years his seniors, 
winning prizes from them while he was still in the 
Little Lord Fauntleroy knee-breeches stage. He and 
Ed Miller sharpened their wits on each other while 
youthful classmates. But the Phaino Literary Soci- 
ety was where he first became a maker of puns which 
later he put in such prodigious numbers into the 
" Baker of Buns," one of his magna opera. The ety- 
mologist will note also the connection between 
phaino, I shine, phaneros, open and manifest, and 
phanari,a lighthouse. It is manifest that Fritz was 
predestined to shine openly in this world, but whether 
Mrs. Fritz was predestined to a life of light house- 
keeping (not lighthouse keeping) is still a matter of 
dispute. According to Fritz, she is, unless he quits 



140 FRITZ GARLAND LANHAM 

monkeying with Troy and the Alcalde and devotes the 
major portion of his energies to practicing law. 

After learning all there was at Weatherford, Fritz 
imitated the Saners and hied himself to Vanderbilt, 
from where, discovering the error of his ways, he 
turned after one year to Texas, which henceforth ab- 
sorbed his attention and his puns. While here he 
disturbed, but did not surprise, Mrs. Kirby by falling 
in love. A single look at Mrs. Fritz will tell you 
why this happened better than any clumsy words. 
Of course, the looks that Fritz turned in her direction 
were neither single nor singular. There were mil- 
lions of them, a plural number if there ever was one. 
I suppose Fritz would say that he singled her out not 
to remain single. For which reason he was selected 
in 1908 to talk about Mrs. Kirby and her girls. Upon 
that occasion he criticised Mrs. Kirby for always pre- 
ferring charges against those who preferred her 
charges, and for her opposition to the Romance lan- 
guages. But he complimented her for her superiority 
to Sherlock Holmes, who only solves cases, while she 
prevents them from arising. 

After writing the " Baker of Buns " and attaining, 
together with his brother Frank, unprecedented fame 
as a collegiate actor, Fritz essayed to tread before the 
footlights, and toured the country with I don't know 
how many chorus girls. He won success, but as no 
one egged him to stay on the stage he soon retired to 
the more congenial atmosphere of a law office. Frank 
also gave up the feathers of the theatre for the tar 
of a plutocratic paving company. Frank is trying to 



^06 



9yt. 



FRITZ GARLAND LANHAM 141 

flatten out the streets at so much per square yard, 
while Fritz is trying to flatten out the opposing bar 
at so much per client. This is not the first time that 
law and engineering have robbed art of some luscious 
devotees. 

Generous in his desires to help others, sweet-spir- 
ited in all things, cherishing no mean ambitions, de- 
siring worldly goods much less than the approval of 
right thinking people, Fritz lives at V/eatherford in 
the old home of his father, Governor Lanham, from 
which he has not been lured by the efforts of friends 
who have asked him to go to Forth Worth or Dallas 
and win the larger financial rewards of a city. But 
to remain faithful to the family roof tree is a pretty 
good sort of Bushido, to my way of thinking. 

If you don't esteem and admire and love Fritz 
Lanham one of two causes is operating: either you 
do not know him well, or you are out of joint with 
your better self. In the first case, you should journey 
to Weatherford or an alumni reunion and get to know 
Fritz better; in the second case, you should send for 
a doctor and get your insides looked into. If you are 
all right all the way through, you can't help loving 
Fritz. 

The Alcalde Staff Peregrimiser. 




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